Punching In A Dream

Summer is coming to an end. SOS has been accomplished quite nicely. In return, I have lost the weight that I wanted prior to buying pants and stuff that I feel like I am committing to when I buy it. So awesomeness points for that and maybe a 1Up mushroom for fun. Picture collage of either worn in or funky posed dresses and skirts to come after Friday. 

Things this summer has brought <why am I on a LIST tangent again??!>

*in somewhat chronological order, but dont hold me to it

Doubt

Betrayal

Heartache

Strength

Culinary School Enrollment 

Weightloss

Jailtime

Interlock

Cell phone & Number

Car

Confidence

Dates

Vacation

Family Resolution and Closure

Haunting Questions

Ocean

Shooting Stars Kisses

"    " Orgasms [oh heck yeah i said it]

Seemingly Endless Smiles

Maybe I like lists so much because they lay it out. Looking at this list gives me an idea of how much I have grown and where I can and will continue to grow from these steps I have taken in a matter of months. So hooray lists. Big fan.

So the CCdramssss- We agreed on him coming down for a few days and then taking her up for a week- week and a half (depending on if he has a job i suppose. yeah hes still unemployed i found out). From there we will figure out something, but I want him to see that its not all the fun and games he thinks it will be...as well as spend time with E. In return, he hasnt said anything about taking me to court or anything for custody. In fact, when it came about to the conversation of child support, i told him the state would seek it before i did. So he snapped into "well lets work this ouuuut" mode. To which I told him that I dont have a choice; the state is going to get money out of him if they are having to pay me to take care of her (food stamps and insurance). So there were his true colors again. Some things never change. We ended up talking for the first time in forever yesterday and then today when I called him regarding Ellora's daycare and the information I needed/they needed. He asked what she eats and likes to play with, and it was way weird... but oh well. At least we arent hurling insults like monkeys with poo. 

This is still surreal. I almost think of him as a phantom figure in E's life. Like he is there, he exists, but since he isnt HERE here he isnt really there. An odd explanation. I think I have just gotten so used to not communicating with him that when we do, its like I am talking to a stranger that I know. Again, thats so clear, right? Meh. It is what it is, and we will see what it will be.

Maybe I should stop reading Lewis Carroll... I sound like the frikking caterpillar. 

Beyond Chrysalis

To say that its been awhile is a gross understatement. Lets do a quick recap of the last 2 months:

Chump Change did not, in fact change- The truth of this came out in a way of total dishonesty. I thought it to be horribly appropriate given the general theme of things. It hurt; it made me angry; it gave me clarity that I would otherwise never have seen. And I grew tremendously in a short time. I changed my phone number, my outlook on life and myself and gave myself the kick in the ass that I needed. 

Found my voice- And surprisingly enough, it is as strong as ever. I have been confident and honest with myself and *every situation as of late. This has led to...

DRIVING!!!- Yes. Its true. I am now a licensed, insured, breathalyzed on the daily driver. Did my time in Tent City (barely counted, in my opinion- got to love politics) and the alcohol counseling and got everything done and in order to be a mobile adult. Hazza! Truth be told, the cheesy counseling was actually a great thing in disguise of a weekend in a small room with 8 people. I learned a lot... Which isnt to say that its still a bit cheesy with a circa 1993 20/20 special. 

California Vacation- Ellora and I went on our first vacation. It was beyond terrific!! We got to see so much family and do a lot of really fun things. I have to check my original list to see what I missed, but I think I got to most of it. Totally bummed I didnt get to see Joe & Chels and Brittany for her bday :( But the list of what we did:

Go to Gma's for a few days-sight seeing, therapeutic conversations

Santa Cruz Daytrip

San Francisco Ferry Trip

Family BBQ at Aunt Donnas

Fremont Art & Wine Festival

Drive to SoCal

Huntington Beach

Newport Beach- surfing! 

Santa Monica Pier

Met Ashley and her kiddos

Long Beach Aquarium

Plenty of great food, wine and spirits of other sorts. Lots of family time and hugs from everyone. 

It was a spectacular time ;) 

Dating- I was completely unsure about this one. Who the hell wants damaged goods? How do single moms even BEGIN to date?? What if no one is interested...? Yeah those were all initial thoughts and worries I had about dating and the whole big deal. But its been completely the opposite...

I have met a really amazing guy who has taken away a lot of those hangups. I still have psych out moments when I let how other people have made me feel interfere with the awesomeness I have going on right now. But they are becoming fewer and fewer. 

I havent smiled this much, truly and inside, too, in a long time. I dont remember having this much fun getting to know someone or talking to them on a daily basis. Goodness knows how fast my fingers are flying typing this, with a goofy smile on my face... Its been fantastic. I dont know where its going, or what it is going to lead to, just that it is a lot of fun and I am really liking it. 

I start school on Monday. Nervous. Nervous to leave Ellora; she has gotten very clingy. Nervous to meet new people. Its first day of school nerves that I havent had in years. So it is a welcome nervous :) 

* the asterisk from earlier explained:

 I still dont know completely how to break out from what I have been told over the last few years... Someone I have connected with and that I have a blast with should not be a cause for me to be shy or chicken out of what I want to say. Fear of rejection? Possibly. Probably. Fear of closeness? Entirely probably. So how do I get beyond that hurdle? How do I take the thick skin and soften it? Just do it. Thats his answer for mind trappings. dont think about it. Just do it. So here is hoping that I didnt put my foot in my mouth already.