Punching In A Dream

Summer is coming to an end. SOS has been accomplished quite nicely. In return, I have lost the weight that I wanted prior to buying pants and stuff that I feel like I am committing to when I buy it. So awesomeness points for that and maybe a 1Up mushroom for fun. Picture collage of either worn in or funky posed dresses and skirts to come after Friday. 

Things this summer has brought <why am I on a LIST tangent again??!>

*in somewhat chronological order, but dont hold me to it

Doubt

Betrayal

Heartache

Strength

Culinary School Enrollment 

Weightloss

Jailtime

Interlock

Cell phone & Number

Car

Confidence

Dates

Vacation

Family Resolution and Closure

Haunting Questions

Ocean

Shooting Stars Kisses

"    " Orgasms [oh heck yeah i said it]

Seemingly Endless Smiles

Maybe I like lists so much because they lay it out. Looking at this list gives me an idea of how much I have grown and where I can and will continue to grow from these steps I have taken in a matter of months. So hooray lists. Big fan.

So the CCdramssss- We agreed on him coming down for a few days and then taking her up for a week- week and a half (depending on if he has a job i suppose. yeah hes still unemployed i found out). From there we will figure out something, but I want him to see that its not all the fun and games he thinks it will be...as well as spend time with E. In return, he hasnt said anything about taking me to court or anything for custody. In fact, when it came about to the conversation of child support, i told him the state would seek it before i did. So he snapped into "well lets work this ouuuut" mode. To which I told him that I dont have a choice; the state is going to get money out of him if they are having to pay me to take care of her (food stamps and insurance). So there were his true colors again. Some things never change. We ended up talking for the first time in forever yesterday and then today when I called him regarding Ellora's daycare and the information I needed/they needed. He asked what she eats and likes to play with, and it was way weird... but oh well. At least we arent hurling insults like monkeys with poo. 

This is still surreal. I almost think of him as a phantom figure in E's life. Like he is there, he exists, but since he isnt HERE here he isnt really there. An odd explanation. I think I have just gotten so used to not communicating with him that when we do, its like I am talking to a stranger that I know. Again, thats so clear, right? Meh. It is what it is, and we will see what it will be.

Maybe I should stop reading Lewis Carroll... I sound like the frikking caterpillar. 

making up for lost time

i just published 2 posts that i had in my page as drafts... it has not truly been a week since i last wrote or thought to myself in the written word. ;) 

the past couple of days have put me on a rolllllllllerRRrrr CooOOaaAAsssSSTTTTtteeerRRRRrrr of emotions.   yep. I imagined being on a roller coaster when I typed that.

The SoS has made me realize that I need to work on more sewing crafts. I need more selection as I know I am reaching the outfit limits for what I have. But there is SO much potential in my closet!! I need to buckle down and conquer my fear of the sewing machine from scratch. I need to tap into the confident kid from middle school who OWNED that machine. Ughh... Its just a machine! If it makes me mad, i can turn it off; if its not working, i can fix it. So why does it freak me out?! To be continued with renewed faith... 

Water park day with Ellora was sensational~

She had so much fun in the wave pool and the kiddie water park side! It was so amazing and heart warming to see her delight in her aquatic adventures. I didnt even mind the dorky life jacket that she had to wear *even though I was holding her the whole time*, because she just looked too darn precious for words. 

Many beautiful people to be seen, men and women alike. I forgot how bathing suits looked after 2 years of little to no swimming action. 

I totally felt the "Single Mom" sign over my head. The neon, fluorescent glowing was almost as bright as the sun. That was probably the hardest part to get used to yesterday. Yeah, sure, I could be the gal that is there with her daughter while her man is at work, sucks to be him, blah, blah, blahhh.... but somehow it felt like everyone knew what was up. Probably just my paranoia, right? It was still bizarre and initially uncomfortable. And then I put my awesome pants on (ahem, skirt), saw how much fun was to be had and ended up having a blast!! I had forgotten how much fun a water park can be when you arent spending every spare moment wrapped around a guy youre making out with... says a lot about my summers, huh? 

Convos with the C dude have gotten friendly. Not in an "ooohhh la laaa romantic" kind of friendly, but the friendly that my parents finally got when it became evident that their lives were forever entwined.  Its nice, it sucks and its gonna take some getting used to. Thats all i have to say about tha-yut. 

Self love is a big win lately. I would be worried about becoming arrogant or conceited, but I know that I am too far from that to even concern myself with it for awhile. Thinking its an Oscar Wilde reading that I need to secure these wonderful thoughts. He knew indulgence and beauty and I wish to see them with the raw humanity that he did.