the 2nd year

                                           6/8/2012
 the conclusion?

im gonna have to write this one out, balls out.

today would have been 2 years with the guy i thought i was meant to spend forever with..... well now, that hasnt happened, as is known. but today is, perhaps twice as hard. 

i have the day i got home from AZ to see him. t

o accept and secretly adore that i was as he so eloquently put it 'his woman'. and i have last year, when our family was one for the first of what i had hoped would be a lifetime of celebrations... kinda shot myself in the foot there.

i went through all of this as i worked out, mainly the first year, before a baby factored into our lives. it was pretty great, at first. but honestly as i worked my bum muscles to exhaustion i realized that it was doomed from the start. i was in 'go' and he was still figuring out where to fix the mirrors.
After the grueling first year i found myself in the 2nd. even worse and more doomed than the 1st, it totally motivated me to work some grief out. muscles threatened to give out as i pushed them to a healing limit. the last breath of exhausted was the most cleansing as i realized that although i may still cry every now and again, i am so much stronger than i initially thought. 

ps. a break up of this magnitude is exactly the ignition ineeded to get back into loving me. i argued with myself to dessert after workout, all the way down the stairs. i decided i was going to have dessert; nothing pisses me off more at myself than denying what i want for a dumb reason.  i went back and forth about sherbet (pronounced so clearly in my cranium 'sher-BET') and vanilla with thestrawberries i told my mother iwould use. sherbet won. and as i scooped and argued the rationality of me somehow "deserving" the remaining half pint vs the small glass i selected i saw self control. I scooped a small but rewarding amount of sherbet into my glass and smiled. i had talked myself into and out of the best things, mental and physical,  possible in a small 30 min time frame. go me! i took a huge step forward after being stuck in the past for a couple of depressingly low hours. happy! 

pss. small glass win. 

rocking new bikini
sweet baby smile pix on my phone

band of horses

dresses

bright side of law

sunshine swims

pant-a-ma-lo-nez love
self esteem on my own
 these are all magical, wonderful loves of my heart

how many times when you read sherbet did you say it in your brain "sher-BET" ;) 

Drunken Dedication

oh my drunk heart! 

drunk of lies and love and hurt

but

when its to you i call

i know the limits of your humanity...

i am somewhat pleased with your decision

^ Why I shouldnt write poetry when I am drunk on the eve of a stressful and sad night. Holy Emily Dickinson Lena...Geez.

Long Nights

today i realized that as i pursue my culinary dreams i am going to have to eliminate my nails from any vanity i have. because a Frankenstein nail is not attractive as i learn cutting mastery. eh, thats an easy enough grooming habit to change. 

yesterday was day 2 of SoS-- it went on fairly uneventfully. halfway through the day i realized that i liked the skirt to hita differentpart of my waist and it impoved the look quite abit. pics to come soon. sincei am writing on the bless-ed tablet i cannot upload pictures. i was not even going to write, but i had to get out of my brain a bit. my recent day od watching allmof season 8 of Scrubs was not a smart decision. nor was the creating of a Ray LaMontagne station....but i do love him and a lot of the tunes they play with him. so yippee for that. i just wish the last 2 days would stop weighing so heavy on me. 

in an attempt to get my groove back i am going to do something i used to do allllll of the time but have neglected for the past 2 years: dye my hair!! i always love the feeling of newly colored hair... its just fun. and i think its a great start for the summer :) 

i cannot believe its already been a month... 

Summer of Skirts

My last page was getting verrry dark and dismal... So it was time to bid it farewell and move on to happier times and subjects. This of course take me to SKIRTS!!! and dresses. I feel like skirts are going to get more attention than dresses in these pages, simply because I prefer alliteration ;) nerd alert.

Well here is my goal: Starting today, June 1st, I will wear skirts and dresses all summer. I will give pants the boot and explore this opportunity to show some leg ;) That is not to say that I will be ignoring pants altogether; I will probably sew some pretty nifty pants projects. They just wont be worn for a day until after this Summer of Skirts shindig I have going on. 

If I am feeling truly blog-gy I will take pix of the skirts and dresses I am wearing throughout and post them here... but dont count on it. I have a sweet daughter who I would like to devote that time to ;) 

This will be my page of skirts:

Things that make me smile: 

and Snuggles:

Only happy thoughts here, folks. 

The dog days are over