but she knew there'd be trouble...

the second she read it she wanted to jump for joy! she knew it!! hope restored, she gleefully replied. she was willing to take that small timid step. but she knew there'd be  trouble. 

it started out slow at first.

a memory here,

a random thought occurence there

an association never realized.

by the time she knew what was happening, it was too late. she had gone into a state of pure imagination, stopping off at the "what-if cafe" on the way. it was terrible in its ecstasy.

it was too real and yet completely not at the same time. thoughts were clear but somehow imagined in a sepia coloring...

she snapped herself out just in time to come to a huge understanding-

there was no permanence

in the truth of that is the burden to carry daily

needless to say last night was crazy. i had gotten ready for bed and kind of just dozed off in a half awake place. and these images of a future that wont exist flashed before my eyes like an old home movie. the kind of movie where the reel and projector make more noise than the movie, but you still know exactly whats going on, because the people are so animated.
yeah/ it was bizarre and i caught myself smiling with happy tears. in a dream i saw the rest of the movie. and the past couple of days (since i am now editing and publishing, the original is everything up to the slash/ ) have been confusing and revealing (literally? ha!).
i need to stick to my guns, ladies and gents. my ego needs to be silenced every now and again and my heart needs to speak up, make herself known. 

the 2nd year

                                           6/8/2012
 the conclusion?

im gonna have to write this one out, balls out.

today would have been 2 years with the guy i thought i was meant to spend forever with..... well now, that hasnt happened, as is known. but today is, perhaps twice as hard. 

i have the day i got home from AZ to see him. t

o accept and secretly adore that i was as he so eloquently put it 'his woman'. and i have last year, when our family was one for the first of what i had hoped would be a lifetime of celebrations... kinda shot myself in the foot there.

i went through all of this as i worked out, mainly the first year, before a baby factored into our lives. it was pretty great, at first. but honestly as i worked my bum muscles to exhaustion i realized that it was doomed from the start. i was in 'go' and he was still figuring out where to fix the mirrors.
After the grueling first year i found myself in the 2nd. even worse and more doomed than the 1st, it totally motivated me to work some grief out. muscles threatened to give out as i pushed them to a healing limit. the last breath of exhausted was the most cleansing as i realized that although i may still cry every now and again, i am so much stronger than i initially thought. 

ps. a break up of this magnitude is exactly the ignition ineeded to get back into loving me. i argued with myself to dessert after workout, all the way down the stairs. i decided i was going to have dessert; nothing pisses me off more at myself than denying what i want for a dumb reason.  i went back and forth about sherbet (pronounced so clearly in my cranium 'sher-BET') and vanilla with thestrawberries i told my mother iwould use. sherbet won. and as i scooped and argued the rationality of me somehow "deserving" the remaining half pint vs the small glass i selected i saw self control. I scooped a small but rewarding amount of sherbet into my glass and smiled. i had talked myself into and out of the best things, mental and physical,  possible in a small 30 min time frame. go me! i took a huge step forward after being stuck in the past for a couple of depressingly low hours. happy! 

pss. small glass win. 

rocking new bikini
sweet baby smile pix on my phone

band of horses

dresses

bright side of law

sunshine swims

pant-a-ma-lo-nez love
self esteem on my own
 these are all magical, wonderful loves of my heart

how many times when you read sherbet did you say it in your brain "sher-BET" ;) 

Summer of Skirts

My last page was getting verrry dark and dismal... So it was time to bid it farewell and move on to happier times and subjects. This of course take me to SKIRTS!!! and dresses. I feel like skirts are going to get more attention than dresses in these pages, simply because I prefer alliteration ;) nerd alert.

Well here is my goal: Starting today, June 1st, I will wear skirts and dresses all summer. I will give pants the boot and explore this opportunity to show some leg ;) That is not to say that I will be ignoring pants altogether; I will probably sew some pretty nifty pants projects. They just wont be worn for a day until after this Summer of Skirts shindig I have going on. 

If I am feeling truly blog-gy I will take pix of the skirts and dresses I am wearing throughout and post them here... but dont count on it. I have a sweet daughter who I would like to devote that time to ;) 

This will be my page of skirts:

Things that make me smile: 

and Snuggles:

Only happy thoughts here, folks. 

The dog days are over