the 2nd year

                                           6/8/2012
 the conclusion?

im gonna have to write this one out, balls out.

today would have been 2 years with the guy i thought i was meant to spend forever with..... well now, that hasnt happened, as is known. but today is, perhaps twice as hard. 

i have the day i got home from AZ to see him. t

o accept and secretly adore that i was as he so eloquently put it 'his woman'. and i have last year, when our family was one for the first of what i had hoped would be a lifetime of celebrations... kinda shot myself in the foot there.

i went through all of this as i worked out, mainly the first year, before a baby factored into our lives. it was pretty great, at first. but honestly as i worked my bum muscles to exhaustion i realized that it was doomed from the start. i was in 'go' and he was still figuring out where to fix the mirrors.
After the grueling first year i found myself in the 2nd. even worse and more doomed than the 1st, it totally motivated me to work some grief out. muscles threatened to give out as i pushed them to a healing limit. the last breath of exhausted was the most cleansing as i realized that although i may still cry every now and again, i am so much stronger than i initially thought. 

ps. a break up of this magnitude is exactly the ignition ineeded to get back into loving me. i argued with myself to dessert after workout, all the way down the stairs. i decided i was going to have dessert; nothing pisses me off more at myself than denying what i want for a dumb reason.  i went back and forth about sherbet (pronounced so clearly in my cranium 'sher-BET') and vanilla with thestrawberries i told my mother iwould use. sherbet won. and as i scooped and argued the rationality of me somehow "deserving" the remaining half pint vs the small glass i selected i saw self control. I scooped a small but rewarding amount of sherbet into my glass and smiled. i had talked myself into and out of the best things, mental and physical,  possible in a small 30 min time frame. go me! i took a huge step forward after being stuck in the past for a couple of depressingly low hours. happy! 

pss. small glass win. 

rocking new bikini
sweet baby smile pix on my phone

band of horses

dresses

bright side of law

sunshine swims

pant-a-ma-lo-nez love
self esteem on my own
 these are all magical, wonderful loves of my heart

how many times when you read sherbet did you say it in your brain "sher-BET" ;)