but she knew there'd be trouble...

the second she read it she wanted to jump for joy! she knew it!! hope restored, she gleefully replied. she was willing to take that small timid step. but she knew there'd be  trouble. 

it started out slow at first.

a memory here,

a random thought occurence there

an association never realized.

by the time she knew what was happening, it was too late. she had gone into a state of pure imagination, stopping off at the "what-if cafe" on the way. it was terrible in its ecstasy.

it was too real and yet completely not at the same time. thoughts were clear but somehow imagined in a sepia coloring...

she snapped herself out just in time to come to a huge understanding-

there was no permanence

in the truth of that is the burden to carry daily

needless to say last night was crazy. i had gotten ready for bed and kind of just dozed off in a half awake place. and these images of a future that wont exist flashed before my eyes like an old home movie. the kind of movie where the reel and projector make more noise than the movie, but you still know exactly whats going on, because the people are so animated.
yeah/ it was bizarre and i caught myself smiling with happy tears. in a dream i saw the rest of the movie. and the past couple of days (since i am now editing and publishing, the original is everything up to the slash/ ) have been confusing and revealing (literally? ha!).
i need to stick to my guns, ladies and gents. my ego needs to be silenced every now and again and my heart needs to speak up, make herself known.