Punching In A Dream

Summer is coming to an end. SOS has been accomplished quite nicely. In return, I have lost the weight that I wanted prior to buying pants and stuff that I feel like I am committing to when I buy it. So awesomeness points for that and maybe a 1Up mushroom for fun. Picture collage of either worn in or funky posed dresses and skirts to come after Friday. 

Things this summer has brought <why am I on a LIST tangent again??!>

*in somewhat chronological order, but dont hold me to it

Doubt

Betrayal

Heartache

Strength

Culinary School Enrollment 

Weightloss

Jailtime

Interlock

Cell phone & Number

Car

Confidence

Dates

Vacation

Family Resolution and Closure

Haunting Questions

Ocean

Shooting Stars Kisses

"    " Orgasms [oh heck yeah i said it]

Seemingly Endless Smiles

Maybe I like lists so much because they lay it out. Looking at this list gives me an idea of how much I have grown and where I can and will continue to grow from these steps I have taken in a matter of months. So hooray lists. Big fan.

So the CCdramssss- We agreed on him coming down for a few days and then taking her up for a week- week and a half (depending on if he has a job i suppose. yeah hes still unemployed i found out). From there we will figure out something, but I want him to see that its not all the fun and games he thinks it will be...as well as spend time with E. In return, he hasnt said anything about taking me to court or anything for custody. In fact, when it came about to the conversation of child support, i told him the state would seek it before i did. So he snapped into "well lets work this ouuuut" mode. To which I told him that I dont have a choice; the state is going to get money out of him if they are having to pay me to take care of her (food stamps and insurance). So there were his true colors again. Some things never change. We ended up talking for the first time in forever yesterday and then today when I called him regarding Ellora's daycare and the information I needed/they needed. He asked what she eats and likes to play with, and it was way weird... but oh well. At least we arent hurling insults like monkeys with poo. 

This is still surreal. I almost think of him as a phantom figure in E's life. Like he is there, he exists, but since he isnt HERE here he isnt really there. An odd explanation. I think I have just gotten so used to not communicating with him that when we do, its like I am talking to a stranger that I know. Again, thats so clear, right? Meh. It is what it is, and we will see what it will be.

Maybe I should stop reading Lewis Carroll... I sound like the frikking caterpillar. 

Beyond Chrysalis

To say that its been awhile is a gross understatement. Lets do a quick recap of the last 2 months:

Chump Change did not, in fact change- The truth of this came out in a way of total dishonesty. I thought it to be horribly appropriate given the general theme of things. It hurt; it made me angry; it gave me clarity that I would otherwise never have seen. And I grew tremendously in a short time. I changed my phone number, my outlook on life and myself and gave myself the kick in the ass that I needed. 

Found my voice- And surprisingly enough, it is as strong as ever. I have been confident and honest with myself and *every situation as of late. This has led to...

DRIVING!!!- Yes. Its true. I am now a licensed, insured, breathalyzed on the daily driver. Did my time in Tent City (barely counted, in my opinion- got to love politics) and the alcohol counseling and got everything done and in order to be a mobile adult. Hazza! Truth be told, the cheesy counseling was actually a great thing in disguise of a weekend in a small room with 8 people. I learned a lot... Which isnt to say that its still a bit cheesy with a circa 1993 20/20 special. 

California Vacation- Ellora and I went on our first vacation. It was beyond terrific!! We got to see so much family and do a lot of really fun things. I have to check my original list to see what I missed, but I think I got to most of it. Totally bummed I didnt get to see Joe & Chels and Brittany for her bday :( But the list of what we did:

Go to Gma's for a few days-sight seeing, therapeutic conversations

Santa Cruz Daytrip

San Francisco Ferry Trip

Family BBQ at Aunt Donnas

Fremont Art & Wine Festival

Drive to SoCal

Huntington Beach

Newport Beach- surfing! 

Santa Monica Pier

Met Ashley and her kiddos

Long Beach Aquarium

Plenty of great food, wine and spirits of other sorts. Lots of family time and hugs from everyone. 

It was a spectacular time ;) 

Dating- I was completely unsure about this one. Who the hell wants damaged goods? How do single moms even BEGIN to date?? What if no one is interested...? Yeah those were all initial thoughts and worries I had about dating and the whole big deal. But its been completely the opposite...

I have met a really amazing guy who has taken away a lot of those hangups. I still have psych out moments when I let how other people have made me feel interfere with the awesomeness I have going on right now. But they are becoming fewer and fewer. 

I havent smiled this much, truly and inside, too, in a long time. I dont remember having this much fun getting to know someone or talking to them on a daily basis. Goodness knows how fast my fingers are flying typing this, with a goofy smile on my face... Its been fantastic. I dont know where its going, or what it is going to lead to, just that it is a lot of fun and I am really liking it. 

I start school on Monday. Nervous. Nervous to leave Ellora; she has gotten very clingy. Nervous to meet new people. Its first day of school nerves that I havent had in years. So it is a welcome nervous :) 

* the asterisk from earlier explained:

 I still dont know completely how to break out from what I have been told over the last few years... Someone I have connected with and that I have a blast with should not be a cause for me to be shy or chicken out of what I want to say. Fear of rejection? Possibly. Probably. Fear of closeness? Entirely probably. So how do I get beyond that hurdle? How do I take the thick skin and soften it? Just do it. Thats his answer for mind trappings. dont think about it. Just do it. So here is hoping that I didnt put my foot in my mouth already. 

Oh Buttercup

You built me up, you sneaky gal, you. And now I'm down, cuz you never called, baby, when you said you would... 

but do I love you still? 

So! Cali! On a happy note, since dwelling on negative is just no good. Its for the birds! Ellora and I will be going to California for 2 weeks before I am in school. Excited!!! Goodness knows I need a vacation.... from life... from AZ... from my cell phone? Yes. Dearly needed. 

So far we have a week in the Bay Area: fly into San Jose the 27th, probly stay with Sherri for the weekend or have her get me to Gma's; or else try to see more BA family (Lisa, Nesto, etc) and then go up to Gmas. The 2nd half is gonna be in SoCal with Aunt Donna and Sam and seeing JOEY!!!! I am excited! And even though theyre gonna be busy with wedding stuff, I am hoping to see my brother and sis-in-law as much as possible :) And from there we will head back North to hopefully catch Brit and her beau for her birthday (too wonderful of timing, i'd say!)  in Santa Cruz before making our way back to SJ to peace out back to AZ.

Wowa-wee-wa!! 

In that time I want to see:

a zoo (SD or SF, either works)

at least 3 beaches

Ellora in the ocean 

as many family members as i can

Ashley & her fam 

myself completely happy

The grey area that I have been living in for the last 2 weeks has been awful. I think I liked the clean break a lot more than the limbo I have been in for this time. At least there I felt empowered in myself. I didnt resort to waiting for a phone to chirp with message or groove with a call. 

pathetic. 

But I have only myself to blame. I was too eager to cling to something again, anything and I let myself get lost again. I cut myself off from happiness again, because I felt like that was the way to be happy again. But devoting my life and heart to this didnt work in the first place... why would it now? 

I needed that slip up to remind me. 

It still hurts, though. 

a lot. 

but she knew there'd be trouble...

the second she read it she wanted to jump for joy! she knew it!! hope restored, she gleefully replied. she was willing to take that small timid step. but she knew there'd be  trouble. 

it started out slow at first.

a memory here,

a random thought occurence there

an association never realized.

by the time she knew what was happening, it was too late. she had gone into a state of pure imagination, stopping off at the "what-if cafe" on the way. it was terrible in its ecstasy.

it was too real and yet completely not at the same time. thoughts were clear but somehow imagined in a sepia coloring...

she snapped herself out just in time to come to a huge understanding-

there was no permanence

in the truth of that is the burden to carry daily

needless to say last night was crazy. i had gotten ready for bed and kind of just dozed off in a half awake place. and these images of a future that wont exist flashed before my eyes like an old home movie. the kind of movie where the reel and projector make more noise than the movie, but you still know exactly whats going on, because the people are so animated.
yeah/ it was bizarre and i caught myself smiling with happy tears. in a dream i saw the rest of the movie. and the past couple of days (since i am now editing and publishing, the original is everything up to the slash/ ) have been confusing and revealing (literally? ha!).
i need to stick to my guns, ladies and gents. my ego needs to be silenced every now and again and my heart needs to speak up, make herself known. 

Weak Moments?

Oh yes.

The weak moments.

Let's just say we are not strangers, these weak moments and I. There are some that are just NOT going to end up in this post. Maybe later on in life, if I get to that whole looking back and laughing thing. Til then, just know there are some funny lows. (yeah, they're funny, i admit) 

Massage the other day? Well it started off all wrong. For starters, I thought it was one place, and it turned out to be a completely different place... that I had no idea of its location. Yeah. Not good. So I finally get in touch with my mom and find out its around the corner from where we are. Whats the harm in going? So I showed up about half an hour late. It was a LivingSocial deal so it wasnt refundable or able to be applied anywhere else; so I ended up just getting the rest of the massage, which ended up being about 25 minutes. Oh well, my bad. I should have bugged my mom about the email. Anyway! Back to the massage. The dude was a dorky looking fellow. And anyone who knows me at alllllllll knows I have a serious weak spot for dorks, geeks, nerds, awkward, etc. 

Love em. 

Thankfully and simultaneously regrettably I kept my pants on. This 25 minutes was to be spent on my back ("hooray!" my back cheered with delight) 

and so it did not require the taking off of the pantalones. Mr J knew what was up with the sore muscles and was able to get some good work done in the 25 mins. Most massages I have received from professionals have been borderline torturous. They have caused major discomfort and pain. Needless to say I would rather bug loved ones for massages that I am ok with specifying pressure and location than go to a pro who makes me feel all anxious about needing therapy. 

they're always judging my tension....

^.^  hehehe ...

 It made me feel really strange to have some unknown guy touching my topless back. The main reason probably being that I havent had anyone other than C or a well known friend touching any part of me while topless. The other side being that he was all dorky cute. And then he got flirty and all accidental poetic [yep, this happened] while explaining about himself. It was darn cute. 

weak moment: I actually went home thinking about J the massage dude. errrrkk. 

Online. Dating. Two words for me to stay FAR away from. I know what happens; been there, done that, nooooooo thank you.

So when I found myself on the stupid site, browsing, it scares me a little. I am confessing this weak moment in hopes that owning up to it will prevent me from ever wandering back to the thorn path of online dating. There are many great things about it, Im sure. They have a gajillion and five commercials about it, and it cannot all be smoke and mirrors. However, it is not for me. I do not NEED to date anyone, nor do I really want to. I have too much going on in my own life right now to try to share it or any part of myself with someone. I need to be completely ok with me [or at least for the most part, a semi sane portion] before I can think about anyone else. And Ellora plays the biggest role in any future relationship I have. I dont really think finding someone based on a vaguely informative website is a wise or safe decision. 

No more online browsing. 

Ok enough of the weak moments. 

Scallops turned out super tasty. However, they didnt get as pretty as I had hoped. There were a couple of things I know to do differently next time. Still. Nums!!! Next time I will take a pretty picture. 

This morning has been so wonderful. It makes me think to myself how lucky I am. And then the evil thought of how much it sucks to be C creeps into my head. I feel bad thinking it, because I know it shouldnt make me feel better when I know I envy his freedom at times. Well at least I can admit it. I would not trade these days, mornings, weeks for any amount of freedom and lack of responsibility. I'd take every frustrating moment or lonely thought for this... I know i made the right decision. And I will be a lot better off when I can leave the house as I please. Hooray driving freedoms with my baby!! Admittedly I am going to need to go a couple of test runs alone. I am a little skittish in cars and its only gotten worse. So... get comfortable first and THEN off we go! 

Lip Gloss for No One

Thats how I know something is super rad in my world: when I am wearing a kick ass lip gloss and no one is home but me and Ellora. In today's case the lip gloss is my fabulous MAC Wonder Woman red-as-frikking-sin-and glossy-as-bleep!!! gloss. I love it, in case you couldn't tell? This mood could possibly be inspired by the delectable breakfast I created earlier. 

Per serving

Buttermilk pancakes; 1 topped with peanut butter and a strawberry banana flower and the other a simple maple syrup and powdered sugar cut into pieces for plating next to a simple strawberry banana fruit salad.

Yummy!! 

close up photo op

This was super fun and way easy. Plus it was a brilliant way to use the strawberries that were kinda just not getting eaten anymore-- after 6 pounds of them in 2 weeks I can understand. 

Ellora thoroughly enjoyed her breakfast and ate a good portion of it. Hers were quite a bit smaller and she had been munching on bananas before the pancakes were ready. It was a lot of fun to watch her poke at the bananas and peanut butter on one while being way curious about the syrup on the other one. She seems to like all of the toppings that I included for her. Mama win! 

Today we are going to test out the pool that Andy has been slaving over for 3 weeks. Yes, its an above ground pool with a nifty chlorine/filter system, and it probably didnt need to take 3 weeks. But Andy is a perfectionist and leveled sand and made it all kinds of fancy. So I feel it is my duty to make sure his work is enjoyed. Darn, rough stuff, kids. I actually probably would have done the same thing... further proof that I am waaaaayyyy to much like Andy. 

Later on into the day I jump feet first (haha pool ref!, too much) into the world of scallops. I have a Sav Blanc, fresh garlic and lemon and about a pound of scallops. Hmm...

The explorations will need to be recorded and published upon a victorious meal. However, should disaster present itself instead, the efforts will become confidential... True stuff. 

I am going to add a couple of pictures to existing posts... Ellora is too cute to not post as much as I can. 

making up for lost time

i just published 2 posts that i had in my page as drafts... it has not truly been a week since i last wrote or thought to myself in the written word. ;) 

the past couple of days have put me on a rolllllllllerRRrrr CooOOaaAAsssSSTTTTtteeerRRRRrrr of emotions.   yep. I imagined being on a roller coaster when I typed that.

The SoS has made me realize that I need to work on more sewing crafts. I need more selection as I know I am reaching the outfit limits for what I have. But there is SO much potential in my closet!! I need to buckle down and conquer my fear of the sewing machine from scratch. I need to tap into the confident kid from middle school who OWNED that machine. Ughh... Its just a machine! If it makes me mad, i can turn it off; if its not working, i can fix it. So why does it freak me out?! To be continued with renewed faith... 

Water park day with Ellora was sensational~

She had so much fun in the wave pool and the kiddie water park side! It was so amazing and heart warming to see her delight in her aquatic adventures. I didnt even mind the dorky life jacket that she had to wear *even though I was holding her the whole time*, because she just looked too darn precious for words. 

Many beautiful people to be seen, men and women alike. I forgot how bathing suits looked after 2 years of little to no swimming action. 

I totally felt the "Single Mom" sign over my head. The neon, fluorescent glowing was almost as bright as the sun. That was probably the hardest part to get used to yesterday. Yeah, sure, I could be the gal that is there with her daughter while her man is at work, sucks to be him, blah, blah, blahhh.... but somehow it felt like everyone knew what was up. Probably just my paranoia, right? It was still bizarre and initially uncomfortable. And then I put my awesome pants on (ahem, skirt), saw how much fun was to be had and ended up having a blast!! I had forgotten how much fun a water park can be when you arent spending every spare moment wrapped around a guy youre making out with... says a lot about my summers, huh? 

Convos with the C dude have gotten friendly. Not in an "ooohhh la laaa romantic" kind of friendly, but the friendly that my parents finally got when it became evident that their lives were forever entwined.  Its nice, it sucks and its gonna take some getting used to. Thats all i have to say about tha-yut. 

Self love is a big win lately. I would be worried about becoming arrogant or conceited, but I know that I am too far from that to even concern myself with it for awhile. Thinking its an Oscar Wilde reading that I need to secure these wonderful thoughts. He knew indulgence and beauty and I wish to see them with the raw humanity that he did.